Does Your Marriage Need A Restoration?

Too many relationships are just getting by, and not even close to their full potential. With divorce rates high and our need to be pleased even higher, it is obvious that we need to do a restoration on more than just our vehicles and homes; we need to do a restoration on our marriage too.

With life being so demanding, the marriage can take a backseat to work, parenting, chores, finances and the like. But, wouldn’t it be nice to get some of the spark back and start enjoying each other’s compny again?

Smiling young couple holding hands and looking at each other

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Well sure, but who has time for that. So, with this in mind, many of us will do the very minimum to make sure all is okay around the home, and although that is better than nothing, is it enough? I don’t think it is. In fact, I think it is possible that if your marriage has gotten to the point of potential for disaster, it might be time to put all else on hold while you restore the most important part of your life.

It might be a bit late for that

I realize that it is possible to feel like all is lost and might be time to give up, but divorce shouldn’t be the quick option to jump to. If you are at that point in your relationship, be sure to give it some more thought.

Some questions to consider might include; how will this affect children? How will this affect close family? And some other things to consider might be; will this really help us to have a better life? How will this affect our finances? How will this affect our reputations? Who gets the house or the animals?

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We have a good marriage now, but early on we went through 7 very hard years together. We know what it's like to struggle and want to give up. But, know that there is hope. One resource we recommend to our readers: 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage, with Mort Fertel. Mort is a Marriage Coach and has one of the highest success rates in helping couples to fix and restore their broken marriages, offering an alternative to counseling.  
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For people who have dealt with divorce, they know that there is more involved than just getting some space. There are many factors that are involved, and the consequences of some will stay with you for many years to come.

Related: Are you Prepared for Winter in Paradise (in your relationship)

Also, the effects on kids are usually deeper than what we see on the surface. Even young kids can be mature about a situation and act like they understand, but it will be a weight on them for sure. In time, it will start to show in their behavior. I know first hand as my parents divorced when I was young, and it had a big impact on me.

There are many marriages that will benefit from separation or divorce, but these include abusive situations where either a spouse or the children, or both, are at danger. But, let’s suppose that for this article, we are talking about the marriages that are facing divorce due to other less severe circumstances.

What are these less severe reasons for divorce?

We can get overwhelmed and sometimes we pass this pressure around the house. Mom is upset the family relationship isn’t where it should be; no family time at the table, no game nights, no family outings, not enough positive adult engagement, and in her eyes, the family is falling apart.

Dad is upset that the bills are coming in faster than the paycheck, the car is on its last leg, and every time he comes in contact with his wife, she seems to have a lack of respect for him. The reality is, she doesn’t have less respect for him, but rather, her stress has escalated to the point where she struggles to jump for joy just because he walked through the door.

And for him, he is so worn down that instead of sensing his wife’s stress, he takes it as an attack and further retaliates in some form or leaves it this way while he does something else on his own for the evening, like submerge himself in tv or some side hobby.

Eventually, this becomes too much, and then divorce is on the table. What I am trying to display here, is, this is common stress and common reactions. In some instances, the couple doesn’t know what to do to turn the situation around, and in other instances, the hope and confidence to do so is lost.

If your marriage is broken and headed for divorce, you have the power to stop this path. Take some time to check out this resource:
7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage, with Mort Fertel.
Mort has one of the highest success rates in helping couples to fix and restore their broken marriages, even if it is just one partner willing to do the work.

There is still hope to restore a broken marriage, but it will take effort!

A young couple arguing at the breakfast table

Related: Marriage Resources proven to help when you need it most.
 

If you are in this situation, there are some things you can do to turn it around. Depending on your scenario, this might take significant time, or could be relatively quick. There are more ways, but just to help get you in the right direction, here are a few ideas:

1. You have to want it

The first step will require a choice to make amends. This might be the hardest part because this is where you must identify your faults and apologize. Both parties are generally guilty of something but putting the pride aside and seeking and giving forgiveness will move you into a new territory of open communication.

If you are a Christian couple or at least one in your marriage is, know that prayer works and trusting God is an important part of healing and restoring your marriage; my marriage of over 20 years now, as mentioned above, is a testament of this.

Related Post: How to have a relationship that pleases God

2. Marriages should have goals too

Next, discuss marriage goals. Where do you want to see this relationship in, say, a month, a year, or even five years? It might be more interesting to write these on your own papers, then compare them when completed. Our dreams change; our circumstances change; and, our idea of reality can change over time. These answers might be much different then when you were first united.

3. Find solutions that fit the circumstances in your marriage

There are many different living circumstances. Some couples are really busy, some couples are really bored, and some couples are really financially-broke. By assessing your living style, and what is weighing your relationship down, you can start to look for ways to spice things up again. Here are some more simple ideas:

a.

Busy couples will need to multi-task. If you barely have enough time to figure out whether you are coming or going, you might have to include your mate in some of your daily duties where possible. Although this might not be “dedicated, giving you my full attention” time, it can still be quality time.

Just be sure to talk about daily issues and stressors while seeking out positive, potential solutions. Including your spouse in your personal matters and asking for their help will help get things moving in the right direction for you.

b.

Bored couples generally have too much time on their hands, and a good way for them to start to give their relationship some life again is to get out and start doing something exciting together. I’m not going to recommend jumping off cliffs or out of planes, nor will I suggest pottery, but maybe something in-between.

Often, our creativity somehow gets up and walks out the door after so many years of marriage and we struggle to think of even the simplest of things to do. If this is you, I am going to recommend that you go on the internet with your partner and look up things for couples to do in your area (might want to turn on search filters, or not; your choice).

Also, we have found an awesome site for learning couples massage that is “PG” and highly recommended for connecting with your partner Melt:Massage for couples and don’t forget to pick up massage oil: Melt Sensual Massage Oil + Free Couples Massage Tutorials.

Once you find several ideas, just for fun, write them down on pieces of paper, toss them in a hat, and each draw a piece of paper from the hat. Then try to do that during that week. Even if it is crazy or silly, go do it. Have some fun. If you make an effort to do this regularly, your relationship will improve.

c.

Broke couples are not in lack of company these days. Times are tough, economy is down, and so are our spirits. Good thing the finest things in life are free. In my house, we aren’t in a situation where we can get on a boat and go for a cruise, but, we are generally in a position where we can go down to the lake and watch the boats in the water and take in the scenery while we talk and enjoy each other’s company.

Likewise, we are also in a position where we can go bike riding, hiking, watch movies at home while cooking a fun snack together, playing games, going for a drive, visiting friends and family and even just sitting around watching funny videos online.

Once you get it back, keep it up

Loving couple sitting at the wooden pier and looking at each other

Whatever it is that you do to get back to talking and taking the time to repair your relationship, it is vitally important to keep at it. It won’t sustain itself, and soon enough, it will be right back where you started.

This will be a lifestyle change. So, to treat it as such, regular activity will be necessary. We don’t want to let things slip into chaos again, so, find a way to schedule in certain activities each week. Try to make an ongoing effort to have positive open communication at least once per day. This isn’t where you yell at the other because there was no gas left in the car, or because the macaroni is burnt again. But instead, this is where you genuinely talk to each other about your day.

Conclusion

Whatever condition your marriage has gotten to, if you are still together, then there is still hope. Giving up should be the absolute last option after you have tried all you can to repair the relationship. If you are struggling to understand why to even bother, try to remember back to when you first got together. Remember the fun you had then and try to imagine enjoying that kind of life again, with the same person you chose.

You already will have made many memories together, so instead of starting over, just start working at it with purpose and intention. I realize that many people say you can’t get that spark back, but, I think that it is possible to still reclaim your relationship and have an amazing future together that can be better than it ever was.

Good luck!

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Happy couple smiling at each other romantically



Related: How to get your spouse to hear you
 
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  My wife Tara and I believe in the power of prayer. God restored our marriage through many hardships and difficult times, especially in through early years. We pray for our readers each night. If you would like us to pray for you, your family or your marriage, click here to leave a prayer request. We'd be glad to pray for you.  
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24 thoughts on “Does Your Marriage Need A Restoration?”

  1. I agree that divorce is not something that should be taken lightly, it will affect everyone in the home especially the children. When I divorced my daughter’s father we were at it for 1.5 years and it was not pretty. We mostly were fighting for custody of our daughter.
    I think that one of the most important steps that you listed to restore a broken marriage is number 1, wanting to fix the marriage. It is hard for people to admit their faults and to apologize. My ex-husband was awful at it. This would have been a great post for me to read back when I was still in love with him though.
    Do you think that one of the reasons marriages fail is the couple not spending enough one-on-one time with one another? I think many get busy and caught up in the daily routine and forget how to be a couple.
    Well, thanks for the great post. I will keep your tips in mind if I ever get married again or close to it.

    Reply
    • Hi Shwana,
      I do believe that a lack of one on one time is a major factor in relationship breakdown. After all, we started the relationship together, and for the first while, we shared every moment and thought that we could with each other. Then, life happened, and kids happened, and bills and stress and everything piles up. With a major lack of communication and quality one on one time, it becomes too much. Soon, neither person knows what is going on with the other and the distance builds.

      Excellent question and comment!
      Shawn.

      Reply
  2. Hello Shawn, what a fabulous step by step to keep a marriage going. And i loved that you made it really clear that doing things together is not a cost factor, rather just the choice to be together.. I think there is nothing more romantic than a walk in nature together. That knocks my socks off. And its such an inspiring place to be that talk flows easily.. doesn’t it?
    Great job, I so hope many people read this. And the reality is we can no longer be complicit in our complacency.. this moment is a gift. and we need to treat is as such..yes?
    In peace and gratitude, ariel

    Reply
  3. This is an amazing article, thank you! Fortunately, my marriage with my husband of 34 years is doing great. But I’ve known many friends and relatives who have divorced, and see the long-term damage it caused.
    I also know a couple who chose to work it out and rekindle the love they had lost. It was hard work, but now they are fine, and so are the children.
    Blessings,
    Suzanne

    Reply
  4. Those are some good ideas. I think too many people just give up and get divorced. My husband of 25 years and I live in a small town and now have a rescue dog that seems attached to my hip. We don’t really have anywhere to go in this small town, the time or money to go anywhere else and a dog makes it more difficult to get away. But recently, we put up a fence for the dog and working together on a common interest was really great. We’ve tackled a few other projects since then. I felt closer to him then. We didn’t need to go on a trip to feel together.

    All marriages take work. It’s up to us to remember that we knew that from the beginning.

    Reply
  5. What a great article. Marriage does take work and at times sacrifice. Divorce is certainly not the easy way out.
    Thank you for sharing and for being a light of hope.

    Reply
  6. I love how you touched on being overwhelmed. Oftentimes many couples are just frustrated or overwhelmed with life that it spills over into the marriage. There is always hope and it’s a good practice to take an emotional step back and then reevaluate once the situational stressors are arrested.

    Reply
  7. Very good post, inserting some real sanity into a situation that arises all so often. It can be hard work to restore a breaking relationship, but it’s sure a lot of work completing the breakup and starting life all over again.
    Divorce should be a last not a first choice…

    Reply
  8. I agree, i am a solo mom and before i decided to go on with my life alone. I think about it a million times. If it’ll benefit my daughter too. Having a child and being in unhealthy relationship will not only affect ourselves but much more our children. But if you know you can still fix your marriage. Just hang on but know when its time to stop. Self love is everything.

    Reply
  9. This article raises some valid points. For one, there must be a marriage goal. And if this is not met, there is no point in moving on. On the other hand, one must realise that walking out for frivoulous reasons is not the order of the day.

    Reply
  10. I love your advice. You must work at your marriage. We have ups and downs with our marriage. For us, it’s a little complicated. We come from different cultures and countries. But honest communication and trying to see things from each other’s perspective is the real secret. It’s all you can do.

    Reply
  11. Really nice article and well spoken. It takes an effort to stay together for the long haul and on both sides. I know because I have been married for 34 years and have three grown children now. Not only effort but sometimes taking the blame for things to work smoothly.

    Reply
  12. My husband and I were married once before – to each other. We were facing some very serious issues with our family when we were divorced and we were also terribly broke. We remained on good terms, though and worked together with the issues with one of our children. We later got back together and eventually remarried.

    We do take the time to talk openly and honestly with each other and that same child continues to have some serious issues involving mental health and substance abuse. We are working together to help our child (who is 27 now), and we are raising another child who is intellectually disabled.

    I believe that it was our young age and immaturity as adults which led to the divorce besides just being completely overwhelmed with such great responsibilities. We both changed over the years, but because we were constantly in touch with one another because of the children, we both helped each other grow as individuals which allowed us to be able to come back together.

    It also helps if both parties’ parents and other family are supportive of the marriage. This was not the case when we divorced, and some of my husband’s family is still not supportive of us being together, but they are a little more respectful of it than they were before.

    This article is a great blueprint for couples to use to stay together. I’m not sure that it would have helped us at the time. We both had a lot of growing up to do that may not have happened if we had stayed together. I’m just glad that we are together now and have such a great relationship. Every circumstance is unique.

    Anita

    Reply
    • Anita, what an amazing story. It is so rare for a couple to divorce and find their way back, but it is inspiring to hear. Thank you for sharing. – Tara

      Reply
  13. Yes marriage take a lot of maintenance and time. But we all ask for marriage because we wanted the work. Because we want the joy of sharing our lives with that special one person. And I do feel like with routine, I need to work more to find my way. But it is so worthed to me. To save my marriage.
    Campinggearfit.com

    Reply
  14. I love you idea that marriage should have goals too! Come to think of it, we work so hard to set goals and create structured roadmaps for everything else i life, why not our love life?!

    Reply
  15. I like how you went in depth of things and brought up kids. Sometimes if a relationship isn’t strong to begin with and kids are brought into in then it can make things worse possibly. A lot of people think if their relationship is falling apart that having a child can pretty much fix it and that’s it true.

    Reply
  16. This is a wonderful article. I have been through a divorce and it is such a difficult thing to do. It was absolutely the last thing I ever wanted to do to my children. As I read your article, it brought me back to what I thought about a lot in my marriage and that is being a good teammate. Without working TOGETHER as a team through life’s difficulties and challenges, you are just roommates. And that was the hardest part for me. Once again, great article. Keep up the awesome work.

    Reply
  17. My marriage is at a really rocky point right now. After eight years of working on it. We have two kids and are trying to avoid the word divorce right now.

    I think maybe we could use some of the tips you have here. We also need to deal with some life stresses before we can really focus on each other again.

    Reply
  18. Thanks for the material. I have learned a lot. True we all go through valleys, mountains and stormy weather in marriage. Thanks again.

    Reply

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